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Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.