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If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.