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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
This status is mine....I licked it.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there