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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.