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Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.