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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
Long story short, I love summaries
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."