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I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.