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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Trust me, I am a liar.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.