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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing