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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.