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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.