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Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending Iām not excited.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.