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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know