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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
I always advise people never to give advice.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."