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Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.