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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.