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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.