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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!