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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...