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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done