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I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...