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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."