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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.