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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch