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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
awesome collection!