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Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.