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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner