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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.