Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.