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If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.