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FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I have nothing!