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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
I always advise people never to give advice.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."