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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times