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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe