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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."