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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.