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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.