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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.