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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in