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Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.