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It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.