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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
2 words, 1 finger.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
As I was signing into my email account instead of yahoo.com I typed hayoo.com...nope, it wasn`t right but I got to thinking it would be quite appropriate, afterall, we`re trying to get someone`s attention, right?
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.