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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.