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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like Iām choking it to death.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".