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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you