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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.