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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?