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My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…