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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.