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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.