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"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".