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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.