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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards