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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?