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It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.