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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.