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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.