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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
is spending my children´s inheritance.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.