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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.