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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.