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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
life is too short to match socks
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...