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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...