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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
Relationship Status: eating
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.