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I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
It´s Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.