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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
No great story started with someone drinking water.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.