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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…