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Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem