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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.