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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.