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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I just made you think of an elephant
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness