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I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?