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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I was born to be happy… not normal.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?