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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.