Daily Silly Status

I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.

I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?

Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...

I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.

I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear

I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...

I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?

I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...

I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...

I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!