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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Iād like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?