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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?