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Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.