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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet