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“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.