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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)