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If I don`t `like` your post it`s because I don`t care...
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"