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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.