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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
Iām not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.