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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
The future was so much cooler in the past.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science