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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
The problem with diets is pizza.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”