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I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.