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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”