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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.