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Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.