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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.