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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!