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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around