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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.