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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance