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Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?