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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!