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Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?