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Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text