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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.