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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.