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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.