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Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.