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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Exercise? More like extra fries.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.