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You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....