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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I wonder what "don`t touch" is in Braille.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"