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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Honk if you are reading this.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet