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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies Iām going to pay with.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.