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How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.