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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
This century is already 15% over.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver