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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.