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My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.