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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."