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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.